I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
