my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So vagazzling was a success
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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