I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
