I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
