my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he puts the penis in happiness.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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