Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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