i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
