I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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