Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
