I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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