Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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