I faked an abortion last night.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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