ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
