He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
