I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
