so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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