things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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