also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think my fart just growled at me.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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