She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
zippers are such a cool invention
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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