I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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