I bet he comes in French.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
