Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
