I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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