when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
