So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
