I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
