Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
