If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
