Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
