there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
