uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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