i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
