Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
