I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
