Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
