you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
