I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
