I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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