two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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