oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
