i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
