I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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