He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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