I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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