I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
