you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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