I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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