I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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