I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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