i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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